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Coma Recovery Association, Inc.
Every human being has free will and the ability to make choices and decisions. It’s unfortunate but sometimes the choices and decisions we need to make in life are not ones we wanted to make and/or are not easy to make. Nevertheless, these decisions need to be made and need to be thought out carefully. Everyone may not agree with your decision but you are the one who will have to live with it. It’s been said “You can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.” After recovering from the removal of a massive brain tumor in 1984, I was left with many questions, some like “Why me?” which I believe have no answers. However, there are other questions like “What’s the purpose of my life?” and “How could I possibly make a difference?” that do have answers. It may take a long time and a great deal of soul-searching to find these answers but chances are, if you’re reading this article, you may not like the way life has turned out for you at this point! I have been blessed in my life in many ways. One such way is that I have worked at the same school, Xavier H.S., since 1975. In fact, my employer kept my position open for the entire 1984-1985 academic year when I was recovering physically, mentally, and emotionally. I know that when I returned many of my colleagues were impressed with what I was able to do given what I had gone through. In fact, one such man who shall remain nameless (he’s the senior army instructor of the JROTC and his initials are R.G.) once told me that some mornings he wakes up and doesn’t feel like going into work. However, for some strange reason he thinks of me and says to himself “If Mike Wlach can get himself into work every day, then I’m getting myself in.” The JROTC program has never been in such good shape and I was glad that I could make a difference in some small way in his life. I’ve gone on seven senior retreats where I’ve shared my story in depth to groups of about 40 seniors and juniors and four other faculty members. The vast majority had known nothing at all in terms of what had happened to me. Over the last 15 years, I’m sure I’ve given many of them hope that they too can overcome great obstacles in life. Finally, for the last 13 years, I’ve taught calculus to juniors and seniors. However, I never tell them anything about my traumatic brain injury until the last day of classes because I am not looking for sympathy or pity. When they realize that I’m now able to teach calculus, it gives many of them hope and courage. If I could survive, they could certainly face life’s obstacles and challenges with dignity and make a positive impact in this world! 15 June 2001 "Who Will Ever Know?" "Yes, I can remove the brain tumor but you’ll probably never be able to walk again or return to any type of meaningful work!" Believe it or not, that was the second and better prognosis I had received after being diagnosed with a massive brain tumor on August 20, 1984. The first prognosis was that due to its size and location, the tumor was inoperable. Fortunately, I had received that second prognosis but I often wondered if I had listened to the prognosis of both neurosurgeons, "Where would I be today?" and "Who will ever know?" Certainly, if I had listened to the first neurosurgeon’s prognosis, I’d probably be dead. If I had listened to the second neurosurgeon’s prognosis about never walking or working again, perhaps I’d have spent the rest of my life confined to a wheelchair in a nursing home or a state mental health facility. "Who will ever know?" Sometimes, it’s very hard to accept the opinions of loved ones or professionals in a given field. You know your family is looking out for your own best interest and you’d like to presume professionals know what’s best for you. But, as in my case, "Who will ever know?" Ultimately, I believe we have to trust in ourselves and our own good judgment and faith. If you have someone in your circle of support that you trust, then by all means use them. Life after a traumatic brain injury is never easy and never simple, but it does go on! I’ve often wondered "What would life be like if I had accepted either neurosurgeon’s prognosis?" I’ve also asked myself the question "Who will ever know?" I can’t answer the former but as for the latter question "Who will ever know?" Ultimately, you and God will know and that’s all that really matters! Michael Wlach "Is The Grass Greener On The Other Side?" When I awake each morning, several questions often run through my simple mind. I know the answers to some of them and they all center around the fact that I had a massive brain tumor removed in August 1984. My wife was 7 1/2 months pregnant with our youngest son and our oldest boy was only sixteen months old. Therefore, answers to the other questions are often based on those facts. The questions that run through my mind are:
The answers to the first two questions can directly be related to the removal of the brain tumor and the physical and mental disabilities it left me with. However, the last two questions do not have answers quite as tangible. It’s very difficult to live with a traumatically brain injured person, especially when he or she does not "appear" to be that different. The title of this article often captures my thoughts at various times. After talking with various people who have not had traumatic brain injuries, I realize the grass is not always greener on the other side. In a way, I have an "advantage", for lack of a better word, in the sense that I can attribute most of my current problems in life to the removal of my brain tumor. I am well aware that many people are born with disabilities that are not the result of a traumatic brain injury and many, many more whose marriages end in divorce for a host of different reasons. So in some ways, the grass does not seem greener on the other side. But in other ways, I’d like to be back on the other side and enjoy the greener grass. I know that will never be the case so I try my best to make the grass as green as possible on this side! Michael Wlach "When Will It Ever End Or At Least Get Easier?" More than any other questions I’ve used as titles for the articles I’ve written for the Coma Recovery Association and the Brain Injury Association of New York State, the two-part title of this article would be the question(s) I would want answered the most. However, the problem is two-fold. First of all, I don’t believe there are real answers to either part of the question. Secondly, I wouldn’t know who to ask to find answers to each part. Certainly, one option would be to go to counseling sessions and work with a professional to seek those answers. However, being a miserly skeptic, I don’t know if weekly counseling sessions would necessarily appease me. I think life offers many questions to which there are no real answers - at least no logical or rational answers. Nevertheless, I need more than that so I will offer you my simple attempt at answering each part of the title question. Let me first backtrack a bit and clarify what I mean by the word "it" in the title of this article. As August 2Oth approaches, I begin to anticipate the "celebration" of my 17 year anniversary of being diagnosed with a massive "inoperable" brain tumor. My life, as I knew it ended on that day! I put the words "anniversary" and "inoperable" both in quotations because it is an anniversary of 17 more years of life than doctors had anticipated because the initial prognosis of "inoperable" was not accepted by me or my family. As a result of the extensive surgery, I would no longer be the assistant headmaster at Xavier U.S. Nor would I be able to finish my PhD at N.Y.U. The course work had been completed and I was beginning the work on my thesis. "Dr. Wlach" was a title I’d probably never hear. Instead of finishing another NYC marathon as I had done in 1983, I’d spend the rest of my life strapping a brace to my left leg in order to help me to walk. Perhaps the hardest thing to accept was the fact that I would not be present at the birth of our second son, Aidan, as I had been at the birth of our first son, Christopher in April 1983. Eventually, the marriage between Pat and me would dissolve because of the extraordinary circumstances surrounding us both. Raising a newborn child, an 18 month old child and caring for a husband with a traumatic brain injury are all full-time jobs in and of themselves. Put all three together and it’s an almost impossible task, even with the extensive family support we received. If you’re reading this article, chances are you are going through a major medical life crisis or are caring for someone who is. When I think about "Will It Ever End?", I try very hard not to be a pessimist. I don’t think I am. I think I’m a realist. Given all the problems I’ve faced on a daily basis, the only end that I see in sight is my own death. I don’t write that to be morbid or pessimistic but rather to be realistic! I know I will be handicapped for life and that I can live with. I don’t like it but I can live with it. As for "When Will It At Least Get Easier?", I know this part of the question at least offers me some options - not necessarily options I like but at least options. Let me offer you some examples. When I returned back to work at Xavier U.S. in September 1985 as the assistant headmaster after missing the entire 1984-1985 academic year, the job was overwhelming for me. Indeed, life itself was overwhelming for me. Returning to work on a full-time basis was definitely a mistake. Fortunately, the administration helped to make it easier for me by allowing me to return to the classroom on a part-time basis for the following academic year 1986-1987. Having the summer to adjust and prepare for the three sections of first year algebra I would teach, allowed me to adapt a new teaching style that I have used ever since. It certainly got easier. Besides working full-time as a high-school math teacher, I was trying to be a father and husband as well. That was far harder than my job as a teacher and I often felt I was failing as a husband. Pat and I eventually separated and divorced. It did get easier for me although it was not my choice. Ultimately, ways can be found to make any situation easier, though they may not be the ways you wanted or anticipated. Michael Wlach "Is The Whole Concept Of A Self-Help Book An Oxymoron?" 186 months have elapsed since January 1986 when I attended my first support group meeting for traumatically brain injured people at North Shore University Hospital. I’ve attended two or three different monthly support groups between January 1986 and June. That’s anywhere between 372 and 558 meetings. For argument sake, let’s just say 500 meetings over the past 15 years. I don’t list these numbers to brag or impress anyone. I simply enjoy numbers. I’ve been a high school math teacher since 1975. I’ve attended these monthly meetings for three basic reasons and they are not listed in any particular order:
In addition (no mathematical pun intended) to attending these monthly support group meetings, I’ve also written articles for the Coma Recovery Association and the Brain Injury Association of New York State. In fact, this is the 17th article I’ve submitted to the CRA over the past four years. The titles of many of the articles I’ve written, like this one, are in the form of a question. I think it’s important to ask questions in life, discuss the questions and then search for possible answers to them! This particular title came to mind when I had finished reading yet another self-help book. It was about the 50th one I’ve read over the last five years. While reading it, I began to think of why they’re titled self-help books. By reading these books, you’re actually enlisting the help of the author. Similarly, when I go to support group meetings, I’m enlisting aid and advice from people who have similar problems. Many of these people and many of these books have helped me put my life into better perspective and aided me in dealing with some of my own problems. My only complaint, albeit a small one, is the category these books fit into. I know I’ve posed a question in the title of this article but have yet attempted to answer it. St. Francis Xavier, S.J. taught people to pray for the desire to do good because that came before praying to be good. In a similar way, a self-help book is designed to help you to help yourself! If you write notes to yourself and compile them into a book one-day, that’s a self-help book. Obviously, I have too much free time on my hands during the summer when I’m not teaching! Michael Wlach "The Tip Of The Iceberg" I’ve been repeating myself quite often now for nearly 17 years. I’ve been repeating myself quite often now for nearly 17 years. The reason for that is twofold. The first reason dates back to my days as a freshman in Xavier H.S. during the 1967 - 1968 academic year. The two subjects that I did the best in were Latin and Algebra 1 because my two teachers for those subjects taught by repetition, fear and intimidation. I certainly don’t possess the personality to teach anyone by fear and/or intimidation. However, repetition has worked very well for me since August 1984 when I was diagnosed with a massive inoperable brain tumor. If you’ve read any of the previous 17 articles I’ve written for the Coma Recovery Association and the Brain Injury Association of New York State, I truly beg your indulgence for anything I may repeat in this article, that’s already been said. However, this thought came to my mind this morning and I thought I would put it down on paper. When most people see me and the problems, which they think I face on a daily basis, they are really seeing only "the tip of the iceberg". I am not remotely embarrassed to be physically handicapped! I’ve been wearing a lower leg brace for nearly 17 years in order to help me walk better. Indeed, I’m very thankful that I can even walk. Most people never see the brace because I wear my long pants to work, to church and during the winter months. But when the lazy, hazy days of summer roll around, I wear my shorts and thereby reveal not only my brace but also my sexy legs! Every so often, I’ll hear a young child ask their parent "What’s wrong with that man’s leg?" or "Why does that man have a plastic leg?" Most parents will say something along the lines of "Don’t point! That’s not polite." If I do get a chance to say anything to the child or parent, it would be something like "I have a bad leg and this brace helps me to walk better." Little do they know they’ve only touched "the tip of the iceberg". Another example would often occur years ago when my nephews and nieces were much younger. Every so often, one of them would ask, "How come Uncle Michael and Aunt Pat don’t live together any more?" I’d have trouble answering that question to any adult because living with someone who has had a TBI is no easy task so my response to my nieces and nephews was something like "I got sick many years ago and it’s easier for us if I live alone." Again, it was only the "tip of the iceberg". Finally, when I go to work I hand out monthly calendars to all my students listing the dates that homework assignments are due, quiz and test dates, the sections in the book that are covered on each day of the month. Most students and their parents think this is a great idea to help the students stay organized. However, this is the secondary purpose. The real reason behind the idea of a monthly calendar was selfish. It was and still is used by me to compensate for my own short-term memory problem. Again, when my students see this, they only see "the tip of the iceberg". But, that’s all I’d ever want anyone to see - "the tip of the iceberg". When I refer to "the tip of the iceberg" in this article, "the iceberg" refers to the total of the hardships I face on a daily basis. I’m not looking for sympathy or pity. Everyone has problems and I’d like to think that I’m really not that different from anyone else! Michael Wlach "Twenty Questions I’d Like God To Answer For Me" From my days in catholic grammar school, I learned that God is all-knowing (omniscient) and present everywhere (omnipresent) as well as all-loving (He loves everyone for who they are). As I’ve written in many other articles, I often question the fact that He is all-loving because of some of the circumstances surrounding my own life. Based on that last sentence and the fact that God is omniscient, if I were given the opportunity to get answers to any twenty questions I chose to ask Him, this would be the list:
Michael Wlach "Imagine" I received a lovely greeting card from a lovely lady several weeks ago. Although what she wrote inside was very nice, what was printed on the greeting card itself flattered me. I’d like to think that I’ve left that impression not only with her but also with everyone I’ve come in contact with in my life. Knowing that I’ve repeated myself countless times in the 20 articles I’ve submitted to the Coma Recovery Association since July 1997, I’ll spare you any of the gory details. If you’re one of the lucky ones who has never read anything I’ve written, I’ll briefly say I had a massive brain tumor removed back in August 1984 and I am a drastically different person - physically, mentally and emotionally as a result of that. However, I picked up the pieces of my shattered life and started over again. I know I’ve made a difference in the lives of my two sons, the thousands of high school students I’ve taught since then and other people who have come in contact with me. If you choose to (and you have the ability to choose), you too can make a difference! Here is what was printed on that greeting card: "Imagine" Imagine that you’re standing at the end of the world’s longest grocery checkout line. There are dozens of people ahead of you. Every one of them has five hundred items. Every third item needs a price check. Every person has a fistful of coupons. And they start to dig for their checkbook only after the whole cart full of items has been rung up. And they have to borrow a pen. And fish out their photo ID card. And wait for the manager to come to the front for an okay. Then the cash register runs out of tape... Got the picture? Well, you’re the kind of person who still says something nice to the bagger! If you’re reading this article, chances are your life could be like that person waiting at the end of the grocery checkout line. But, remember you can still say "something nice to the bagger!" Michael Wlach "A Matter of Perspective" As I’ve often written in other articles, viewing life as a matter of perspective helps me deal better with the life I’ve been left with - a life shattered by the effects of a massive brain tumor removed in August 1984. Although I am able to walk, to drive and to teach full-time, many of the important parts of my life are now gone - gone forever! My marriage ended due to the extraordinary circumstances my wife was put in. Our oldest son was 16 months old and was 7 1/2 months pregnant with our youngest son when I got sick. Upon moving back down to Queens from Rockland County to seek much needed help from both of our families, we tried to rebuild our lives. When our oldest son started to go to school, my wife invited the mother of one of Christopher’s classmates over to the house to visit and talk a bit. This woman was aware of our circumstances and the fact that Pat was basically raising three infants (Christopher, Aidan and me) on her own. Nevertheless, she began to tell Pat that you don’t know what a nightmare it is when you can’t find wallpaper to match your kitchen floor tiles. To her, it was a nightmare. To me, it's "a matter of perspective." Another example dealt with me alone and occurred several years after I had returned to work. A colleague of mine starting telling me "You don’t know how frustrating it is to not be able to hit the tennis ball the way I’d like to because of this damn tennis elbow." Now, granted, it may have been very frustrating for him indeed, but I was not the person to be sharing this with. Less than two years ago, I had finished the NYC Marathon and was instructing about 40 of our students in Tae Kwon Do. As he was telling me this, I had a brace strapped to my leg in order to help me to walk. To him, it was very frustrating! Again, to me, it was "a matter of perspective". I urge you never to take anything for granted in life - your family, your ability to talk, to talk, to think, to hear and to see. Remember there are many people who don’t have what you have. It really is "a matter of perspective." Michael Wlach "Do They Really Have Any Idea Of What It’s Like?" As Monday, July 9, the date of my annual neurological appointment, approaches, several questions come into my mind. The title of this article came to mind today for some strange reason. I don’t know why but suddenly it was there. Although I have and have had complete faith in both my neurosurgeon and my neurologist who have handled my case since August 1984, I don’t think either of them can have any concept of what it’s like to have a massive brain tumor removed. Certainly from a medical point of view, my case is a success for them for several different reasons:
Fortunately, all three of these prognoses were incorrect. The tumor was removed. I have been walking with the aid of a lower leg brace and I have been teaching high school mathematics full-time for the past 13 school years. In addition (no mathematical pun intended), I was the chairman of the mathematics department for four of those years. Therefore, why would I ask a question like "Do they really have any idea of what it’s like?" The reasons are simple, yet complex! Though my neurologist and neurosurgeon can list three reasons why my case is a success, I can list just as many, if not more, to show why they may have no idea of what it’s like for me. Don’t get me wrong! I have the utmost respect for my doctors but that question still haunts me and here are three basic reasons why:
I may sound bitter to some but I’m very grateful to be alive and I thank everyone who has helped me to come as far as I’ve come. However, again I ask "Do they really have any idea of what it’s like?" Perhaps, the only people who have some clue are those who attend the monthly support group meeting for traumatically brain injured (TBI) people or those who have come out of a coma (Coma Recovery Association). Michael Wlach "Is Your Leg Better Yet, Mike?" When we moved back down to Queens from Rockland County in 1985 in order to get help from our families with our two young sons, there were mostly older couples living on our block. Their children, who were probably the same age as my wife and I, had already moved out and were living their own lives. Similarly, my wife and I had moved from Queens to Rockland County in 1982, the year we were married. In April 1983, our oldest son, Christopher was born and I didn’t think life could get any better! However, it did because in 1984 my wife became pregnant with our second son, Aidan. I was floating on cloud nine until August 20, 1984 when I was diagnosed with a massive inoperable brain tumor. Fortunately, I received a second opinion and after a few operations, the tumor was removed. However, Aidan was not born until October 5, 1984. It was virtually an impossible situation for my wife to take care of a new born child, a sixteen month old, and a husband who needed assistance in almost every facet of his life. Those are the reasons why we moved back down to Queens. I was fortunate, in a sense, that I never had to answer that title question to either one of my sons. They have only known me as I am now - bald, overweight, with a bad leg and sarcastic. Fortunately for me, they have loved and accepted me for who I am right now! However, when two new families with young children moved onto the block a few years ago, I was faced with the predicament of how to answer that title question "Is your leg better yet, Mike?" If an adult asks a similar question like "What happened to your leg?", I have no problem answering it! In fact, I enjoy answering it. That should be evident by the fact that I’ve written more than 25 articles on the same topic. They differ not in their content but only in their approach to the topic. This time it’s from the eyes of a child. I don’t want to frighten either of the two boys who ask me that question most often, so I usually say something along the line of "I have a bad leg and I don’t know when or if it will ever get better." Usually, one of them persists with a question like "What happened to it?" Again, I profess my ignorance and simply say "The doctors really don’t know!" That’s an accurate and honest answer but try telling that to a child! Michael Wlach "Do You Need A Good Massage?" When I first heard that question, I was not walking down some seedy street in Manhattan or watching some XXX video. Believe it or not, I was sitting in church listening to the opening line of a sermon given by a visiting priest. At first, I thought it was merely an attention-getter. It was not! If it were an attention-getter, he would have certainly succeeded. The point of his sermon was that people in general and Americans in particular spend far too much time and money thinking about how they look and how they feel physically. I don’t have the statistics he used but when I heard them, they were staggering. The amount of money Americans spend annually on cosmetics, hairdressers, manicures, pedicures, etc. is unbelievable. Tack on the amount of money spent on clothing and it’s overwhelming! Ultimately, it’s not going to make a difference in the overall big picture. I’ve written numerous articles for the Coma Recovery Association and have also attended hundreds of support group meetings since 1985 - not to convert anyone, or to pontificate, as some lady accussed me of doing, but rather to share with others the way in which I was able to pick up the pieces of my life after being diagnosed with a massive inoperable brain tumor in August 1984. Support group meetings and self-help books have certainly helped me but to get to the root of the problem and find its solution, if there is one, you must look inside! Since I was first diagnosed with a brain tumor, I began asking many questions (a natural reaction to a situation like that). Some of those questions I asked were:
I know most, if not all, of these questions have no answers but I’m still very curious and will always be. With that in mind, "do you need a good massage?" Michael Wlach LIST #1: 50 THINGS I’M TIRED OF. I’M TIRED OF:
I’M THANKFUL FOR:
Copyright © 2001, * Michael Wlach
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